Change

Changes... Feels like a so simple word.. means a thing that is not how it used to be. Well,it can have a plenty of other meanings.
It is a source of happiness for some whereas it can be a thing that can make some other person sad.
Well,you might be thinking how absurd topic have I chosen to write on.. but yes, this topic.. this "change" is the thing that has been killing me since last few weeks. Everyone goes well but boom!.. there is something that starts ruining things up.. for some it is starts making things up but from my side of story.. things are getting ruined.. everything.
I consider my friend group as my world.. I consider it my world but I don't know where in the making of this world I went wrong.. so wrong that after that.. nothing went like "my world"... And the sad part is that I stopped trying... I stopped giving a damn. The question that might have raised in your head is why.. why did you stop trying.. it was because I was betrayed by someone whom I considered my blood. I was betrayed by someone from my group.. someone from my world.
Okay... I have been betrayed... Everything happened.. and the next question that must have been raised in your head is.... Did I forgive him.?
*Chuckle.
How can I not forgive him... He is my own.I have created him this way... Yes.. I forgave him.. but with that.. I also forgot him. I forgot his existence. I forgot everything about him.
Next question up.. Do I miss him.?
*Chuckle again
Hell yeah I do. Why won't I miss him. But, the only thing that doesn't allow me to go near him again is the fear of getting hurt again.
I am hurt. I am lost.
I used to be the creator of my own world,but since last few days I have completely given that up on my fate. I am ready to go wherever it takes me.I am ready to do whatever it wants me to do.
What have I become.. even I don't know. It feels like.. I am slowly destroying myself.I know I am the creator of everything happening around me.. happening with me....but for some reason or another now,I don't feel like controlling it.
I am too tired of the burden. I just want to let it go. Let everything go. I just want to be a rock beside a river slowly grating by time.. seeing the river flow. I just want to stay still. I want to stay calm. I just want to be a spectator of my life.
Okay... Did the change thing end here.. just on betrayal... Naah.!.. Everyone knows God has his own way of checking people...may be this is my test to see how I handle things.. but.. I give up.. too cheesy dialogue from some movie is it?!?.. but no. Honestly,I am completely sick of everything so I give up. I surrender to whatever is happening around me. I want things to be how they used to be before.. but these "changes" have ruined everything.Despite of much introspection I am unable to get the proper reason why the things changed... But whatever the reason was all I know today is that yes.. things changed.. and that too not for good but for worse.
To be very frank I don't want any of my people to read this because I don't want any sympathy or I don't want to listen "everything will be back to normal".. not because I have lost my trust that nothing's gonna be normal but because I have lost trust in my people-sad but true.... And this the thing reason I don't want them to read this.. I just wanted to speak my things out.. so here I went all emotional and everything.
Ah.! So much of depressing stuff ...is it.. but don't worry.. I love my life..I will be here..to check my limits.. to check to what extent I can survive everything.I will be here... To check myself... to know myself more deeply.I will be here... And I will be back again here...when I am too lost to decide with whom to share all these things... Although this doesn't mean I don't have people to share things with.. It means..I don't have much of the power to decide whom to tell.. and what all to tell...
There is a proper storm of emotions in me,a complete storm.. something I am unable to handle.. but I know somewhere deep inside.. there is something with me and with the people beside me...I will have to handle it. I will have to survive it and I will survive it.