Change

Changes... Feels like a so simple word.. means a thing that is not how it used to be. Well,it can have a plenty of other meanings.
It is a source of happiness for some whereas it can be a thing that can make some other person sad.
Well,you might be thinking how absurd topic have I chosen to write on.. but yes, this topic.. this "change" is the thing that has been killing me since last few weeks. Everyone goes well but boom!.. there is something that starts ruining things up.. for some it is starts making things up but from my side of story.. things are getting ruined.. everything.
I consider my friend group as my world.. I consider it my world but I don't know where in the making of this world I went wrong.. so wrong that after that.. nothing went like "my world"... And the sad part is that I stopped trying... I stopped giving a damn. The question that might have raised in your head is why.. why did you stop trying.. it was because I was betrayed by someone whom I considered my blood. I was betrayed by someone from my group.. someone from my world.
Okay... I have been betrayed... Everything happened.. and the next question that must have been raised in your head is.... Did I forgive him.?
*Chuckle.
How can I not forgive him... He is my own.I have created him this way... Yes.. I forgave him.. but with that.. I also forgot him. I forgot his existence. I forgot everything about him.
Next question up.. Do I miss him.?
*Chuckle again
Hell yeah I do. Why won't I miss him. But, the only thing that doesn't allow me to go near him again is the fear of getting hurt again.
I am hurt. I am lost.
I used to be the creator of my own world,but since last few days I have completely given that up on my fate. I am ready to go wherever it takes me.I am ready to do whatever it wants me to do.
What have I become.. even I don't know. It feels like.. I am slowly destroying myself.I know I am the creator of everything happening around me.. happening with me....but for some reason or another now,I don't feel like controlling it.
I am too tired of the burden. I just want to let it go. Let everything go. I just want to be a rock beside a river slowly grating by time.. seeing the river flow. I just want to stay still. I want to stay calm. I just want to be a spectator of my life.
Okay... Did the change thing end here.. just on betrayal... Naah.!.. Everyone knows God has his own way of checking people...may be this is my test to see how I handle things.. but.. I give up.. too cheesy dialogue from some movie is it?!?.. but no. Honestly,I am completely sick of everything so I give up. I surrender to whatever is happening around me. I want things to be how they used to be before.. but these "changes" have ruined everything.Despite of much introspection I am unable to get the proper reason why the things changed... But whatever the reason was all I know today is that yes.. things changed.. and that too not for good but for worse.
To be very frank I don't want any of my people to read this because I don't want any sympathy or I don't want to listen "everything will be back to normal".. not because I have lost my trust that nothing's gonna be normal but because I have lost trust in my people-sad but true.... And this the thing reason I don't want them to read this.. I just wanted to speak my things out.. so here I went all emotional and everything.
Ah.! So much of depressing stuff ...is it.. but don't worry.. I love my life..I will be here..to check my limits.. to check to what extent I can survive everything.I will be here... To check myself... to know myself more deeply.I will be here... And I will be back again here...when I am too lost to decide with whom to share all these things... Although this doesn't mean I don't have people to share things with.. It means..I don't have much of the power to decide whom to tell.. and what all to tell...
There is a proper storm of emotions in me,a complete storm.. something I am unable to handle.. but I know somewhere deep inside.. there is something with me and with the people beside me...I will have to handle it. I will have to survive it and I will survive it.

A promise kept!

I think the worst thing of once’s life is to see your friend... Your very good friend sad for some reason or other..... He might deny the fact that he’s sad but you come to know that something’s wrong or not well once he goes out of *HIS* mood. At that time the thing that immediately crosses my mind is. Give up everything .. Do everything that you can to make the one in *HIS* mood again.

[[There are times when time and fate start playing a game with you. Times...circumstances..all at one side making your team a weak one but *we promise *we’ll be there even at those times to be by your side(this is our oath to you.) ;) :’)]]

 “Her” name always makes him lost. His mood gets ruined everytime we speak of “her” in front of him.He always seems to get lost in his own thoughts..his bunch of memories...on hearing “her” name. 

Is this we call “love”?

Deep ain't it?

May be not.. Or yes may be. *confused*

I finally decided to ask about “her” to him because for us his past relationship was(may be is) a mystery. He never wants to talk about it.... But I wanted to know.... I was curious to know what keeps killing him everytime he hears “her” name.

That day he was happy. We were on phone since last 2 hours when I asked “are you waiting for her?”..... He chuckled and replied.. “pta nahi!”. There was a dead silence until I broke it with “kya pta nahi”.. To which he replied “mujhe nahi pata...mujhe nahi pata..nahi..nahi..mujhe kuch nahi pta”.

His these lines made me realise how much he liked “her” ..Or better loved “her”.. Or how hard he had fallen for “her”.

That day I realized something --”There is no word called *intense* for feelings..cuz that intensity can never be measured...as every time it rises a bit high.” . Yes.. I guess this is what they call love.

And thus this gives me the reply to all those quotes and sayings that you can see on facebook almost daily. Also my respect for him has reached to heights now that even words can’t express.

The conversation ended with me finding myself in shortage of words and then I finally said “tera na.....mtlb.... M Speechless” to which he replied “mera na..mera na...pta nahi..mujhe kuch samajh me h nahi aata h..kyunki mujhe pta h nahi ki mujhe karna kya chahye”.

These were some of the answers or rather facts that I got to know after our conversation.

I don’t understand how can someone leave without even saying goodbye to a person who loves them so bad that even today when the question comes about the person’s happiness .. Other one is ready to give his everything for her.

Shit man!.. This is crap.

People say it is amazing to be in relationship... but f*ck.. When I see such people it seems that it’s absolutely crap and it actually makes me sad.

I don’t know how to conclude this.. because even today there are several questions in my mind and heart which are unanswered.

After knowing all of this I don't know what lies ahead of him ... I don't know where would the destiny or as we might call it.. take him..I just know that he's a good friend and above all  he's a good human......a kind you don't meet everyday! :')

So.. in the end I just hope that he finds his way to his happiness be it that *girl* or anyone else .. I just really really hope and wish that he finds his way soon enough! :) :')

 

hello 2016 ! ^_^

Hey there.! Yes you!.. I hope you have an awesome year ahead :) !

2015 is gone and 2016 is here.. Well 2015 was kinda roller coaster ride for me which changed a lot of thing happening around me. Oh well wait, I just realized not much has changed. Actually there has just been one change but it feels like a huge one.

"I graduated from high school and step my feet in college."

It feels like just one sentence but the whole transition changes you a lot. May be somewhere in between this transition I grew up. Umm.. Although i know my friends will deny this (;)).. But the person I am now and what I was in high school..there’s a whole lot of difference.

So, since it is new year.. Time to go on for resolutions and stuff.. I won’t promise that I’ll do these things.. But I can promise that I’ll try my best to do these.

One of them is blogging at particular intervals and the other one to be regular with my diary.

I will also try to learn new things this year and will try to be a better person to what I’m now at the end of the day. 

I want to look back next year and exclaim “wohoo..! I improved so much.. And I’m proud of myself”.

Well,enough of “I, me and myself” stuff...overall there’s a lot a learn... To explore..and to move on in this new year.

I hope everyone out there finds a reason to smile everyday!.

I hope everyone has a amazing everyday this year.

:)